Anggun Bawi
- Mar 9, 2022
- 5 min read

Women Are Trapped In... The Toxic Online Dating Game

Are you one of those women who uninstall dating apps only to find yourself downloading them again a week later? But the irony is, it doesn’t take you a few weeks to go back into cursing how sucks it is.

It’s been five years since my friend Lisa has been on dating apps. She tried every single app out there, and nothing seemed to work out for her. She’s pretty and very independent, so it’s not like no one wants to swipe right on her.

The real problem is no one wants to get serious with her. All she found were broken men who either had commitment issues or just wanted to have sex and ghost her a month later.

Look, this doesn’t mean it’s impossible for men to have bad experiences on dating apps as well, I’m sure there’re some women too who don’t have good intentions (wanting your money only, for example).

But for some reason, women are the ones who are stuck in this toxic dating app game longer and always find it harder to walk away.

The truth about being in the rabbit hole of toxic dating apps game

Let’s take a look closely at my friend’s case here, where she spends way too many years on dating apps without any positive results.

It all started with exciting feelings. How could it not? You choose the best (mostly from their appearances) just by swiping left and right. Dating has never been this easier.

Then her first encounter with a guy she thought was the “one” ended up miserably because apparently he saw it as casual dating and refused to take it further. It took her a couple of months to move on. And when she finally did, she was ready to go back into the dating apps trying her luck again.

In the second one, she met a married man who had the potential to give her everything. We all know nothing ends well when you’re involved with somebody’s else husband, and after a year, she decided to end it — followed by another heartbreak, of course.

The cycle begins again every time she makes a come back into the dating apps. Different men, same endings.

When you’ve been in it long enough, it can turn into an addiction, just like you are on social media, where you constantly look for validation. Dating apps can be the place for so many women with low self-esteem to seek that attention.

A new match from someone you just swept right can give you butterflies, and the way they give you constant compliments the first time they talk to you can make you feel good about yourself.

However, these women also know it’s just an illusion. It doesn’t bring them real happiness. They want to find someone who’s genuine enough to be with them long-term, but unfortunately, most men choose not to stay after a couple of meetings.

People who never join dating apps or stay there for long enough wouldn’t know how hard it is to actually let it go. Even couples who met online — broke up — the majority of them will go back into the online dating pool again.

It’s either to find someone new or just want to hook up after being in a serious relationship.

What you can do to get out of it:

If this is you, please know that you aren’t the only one who feels like you’re unlucky. Many have been on the same path for years.

But like everything else in life — there’s always a way out. This indeed sounds like I’m encouraging women to quit dating apps — trust me, I’m not. But if you feel like it’s not working for you anymore, then leave.

What’s your gut telling you?

You don’t have to keep convincing yourself, “let’s try one more time” to see if the prince charming comes your way. Or worse, you don’t have to settle with that “it’s better than nothing” mindset.

Here are some practical things you can do to strengthen your decision if you have the thought to leave dating apps:

Deep diving into your values and worth

Sometimes when we’ve met the wrong people during our dating journey, we lose sight of who we really are and what’s our worth. We forget that we don’t deserve to be treated badly or be put down by someone who doesn’t appreciate us.

So take a step back for a while and ask yourself if you’ve been compromising too much in this online dating “game” just so you can have someone to call you pretty and give you short-term happiness.

List down why it’s not working for you anymore.

Write down every bad experiences you’ve been through during your time in dating apps. You need a constant reminder of why the fun outweighs the heartbreaks. And this list can help you with that.

I can’t tell you how many times listing things down all the things that hurt me has helped me heal faster because feelings change all the time. If it’s just in your head, you might think differently tomorrow based on how you feel. And before you know it, years passed by, and you are still stuck in the same place.

Find new ways of meeting people

Dating apps make us forget how to seek real-life connections. We forget that it’s still possible — that method doesn’t die yet.

One thing you can do is to find communities around you or anything that is related to your hobbies. I’ve gone to many book club reading in the past where there were enough single people to get to know.

If you don’t have any hobbies yet, it’s the best time to find one. It’s never too late to start again and open your heart for new possibilities.

The Bottom Line

Dating apps can be something that negatively impacts your mental health if you aren’t being careful. It doesn’t necessarily something’s wrong with you or those people you met; it’s just how the system works — they want to keep the single people staying for as long as possible.

But it’s still your own love life — you can always take power back. If you think it doesn’t serve any good purpose anymore in your life, then you need to let it go.

Trust me — your future self will thank you.

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